Accessibility
by Satanic Mechanic
Summary: How does Hakkai always end up with the latest technogadgets?
1. Chapter 1

Notes: Hokay…well, what started out as a quick snippet of a fic idea, has spawned into something rather large and cracky (well, large enough for something that is so silly a concept). I've split it up into separate chapters, because I can, hoohoo.

Also, one could probably say that Hakkai is a bit ooc in this fic. Well, I would like to argue that! Our man here is basically a well-organized, top notch kinda guy, yes? I think it would make sense that he be interested in something like this. After all, Sidekicks are nifty! And what happens afterwards…well, we all know how addictive gaming can be.

Blah, whatever, this is crack. But good crack! (I hope) So enjoy! (or leave me flaming reviews, whatever)

Disclaimer: Don't own, so don't sue:)

It was early morning. The birds were chirping, the trees were swaying to the beat of the gentle breeze that the mild day offered. Outside, children were enjoying the sunshine and gathering in large groups to play 'tag' and other various games of youthdom.

Inside, two idiots were in risk of losing their lives. Or at least a few limbs. Hakkai's wistful appreciation for the calmness outside was cut short as two sharp gun-shots rang through the stillness of the air. He sighed as a few children screeched, and watched as their mother's hoarded them inside, warning them in hushed tones about the 'crazy men' that had just arrived in town, and how they should be more careful and not play outside unattended.

Shifting slightly against the weight of the two large grocery bags in his arms, Hakkai stepped into the Inn his group was staying at. But not before taking one last glance at the scenery outside…It was a morning like any other, really.

"Why couldn't you have taken those morons with you? Like always?" Sanzo commenced his protesting as soon as Hakkai walked through the door, jabbing his thumb over his shoulder towards the two aforementioned idiots. Usually Hakkai would let Goku and Gojyo tag along on his shopping trips, and while he always said it was because he needed help carrying the bags, Sanzo always considered it a silent agreement between the two of them that this was his rare, and very well-earned, break from the idiocy.

Goku and Gojyo didn't respond to the usual insults on their intelligence, if they even heard it at all. Already having broken into in impromptu round of wrestling, a quick game of 'truth-or-dare', and 'Pin the Tail on the Sanzo' (that one didn't last long. Gojyo was amazed that Sanzo knew so many threats in so many different languages) they were both very tired.

"Well, you know, we always end up coming back with more than we need," Hakkai shrugged and set his burdens on the counter. "I thought you might appreciate the fact that we're not wasting so much money."

"Hn," Sanzo deadpanned. Hakkai always had a way of coming off as the most considerate man on earth, making you feel like an ass for even questioning his intentions in the first place. Unless, of course, you were Sanzo, who deflected feelings of guilt and compassion like Superman deflected bullets. "It's not like we're actually paying for it."

"True, but why flaunt it when there are so many out there suffering?"

"Yeah, besides, the Aspects might get pissed. Don't want to catch Holy Hell, yanno?" Gojyo drawled, slinging on arm over his best friend's shoulder as he joined the conversation. Not that he really gave a shit about ticking off that crazy hermaphrodite and her buddies, but it was kind of a hobby of his to contradict Sanzo as much as possible. Hakkai smiled at the man over his shoulder as he began searching through one of the bags.

"Great! Food is here!" Goku exclaimed, having just now realized the other man's return. After rummaging through the bags however, the look of glee on the boy's face was replaced with that of disappointment. "Wha? What's with all the veggies?"

"I thought we might try some Vegan food tonight. It's good for your digestion, you know. I don't think you're getting enough greens these days." Gojyo snorted at that.

"What? Is monkey boy having some difficulty crapping lately? That's what you get for being such a damn pig."

"Ah, that's not exactly what I meant but…"

"There's nothing wrong with my 'movements'!" Goku interrupted before Hakkai could finish.

"Now now, is this really a conversation to be having in the kitchen?"

"Yeah. Why don't you go have it in the middle of traffic instead? Or better yet, what about the center of an active volcano?" Sanzo hissed, and neither one of them had to look to know that the safety on the Smith & Wesson was now off. It was, predictably, enough to shut them up at least.

"Anyway…Ah, yes. I found something interesting at the market today," Hakkai produced something from one of the paper bags, holding it up to Sanzo for inspection. Over his shoulder, Gojyo and Goku were wide-eyed as they tried to get a peek.

"What the hell is that?"

"Oh, sorry, I forgot you've been living in the temple until just recently," Hakkai laughed heartily and Sanzo scowled. "It's a phone." Hakuryuu chose that moment to flutter onto the man's shoulder and twisted his long neck around to see what all the fuss was about.

"Kyu?" it chirped curiously but Hakkai shrugged it off as he demonstrated some of the device's basic functions to their disgruntled leader.

"I know how a phone works," Sanzo scoffed and pushed the thing away from this face so he could actually get a look at it. Being far-sighted was a bitch. "A 'Sidekick'?" Sanzo squinted as he read the label on the thing. "I thought that's why you had _that_ shit-for-brains." Sanzo inclined his head towards the near-by redhead, who pointedly gave the monk his favorite finger in response. "Hn. Send it back. We don't need this." The final verdict was in and the blonde lit up a cigarette, effectively putting the matter behind them.

"Um…well," Hakkai faltered for a moment, shooting a worried look Gojyo's way. The half-bread shrugged, as if to say 'I got nothin', and Hakkai sighed as he turned back to the monk. "There're other uses for it besides just being a phone, Sanzo" Hakkai explained, managing to sound only slightly pleading. "We can access maps and other things that might help us on the road. The ones that we buy in towns are sometimes out-dated and useless."

"No shit," Goyjo snorted, not-so-fondly recalling the many times they had gotten lost or taken the 'scenic route', which is what Hakkai liked to call it when he was trying to humor them. Or when he didn't want to admit that he had actually gotten them lost. He smiled as Goku tried to grab for the newest shiny object in front of him and Hakkai pulled it away protectively. It was rare that his ex-roomie bought something just for himself, even if he _was_ trying to play it off as an essential tool for the Journey West.

"Huh. I would think with all the poor starving orphans in the world, one wouldn't want to flaunt his wealth with such flashy things. That's what some dipshit told me, at least." Sanzo didn't say anything as Hakkai produced the newspapers he had bought today and set them on the table, but he did skim over the contents to see what the masses were up to this week.

"Ah, he sounds intelligent. Maybe you could introduce us some time?" Hakkai smiled pleasantly as he poured the two of them some coffee. Gojyo smirked as his friend dropped two sugar-cubes in his neighbor's cup. No cream, just how Sanzo liked it. Damn, who knew even Hakkai could even do shameless ass-kissing like a pro?

"Whatever," Sanzo relented, anything for some peace and quiet around here. "Just please don't set it to some annoying Can-Can tune or anything when it rings," he warned, still amazed at the fact that people had to add more aggravation to the world by making their phones just as annoying as them. The 'riiiing' sound had been working just fine for decades, why screw with a good thing? "Phones should sound like phones," he concluded, imparting his bit of priestly wisdom for the day to those three unworthy idiots.

"Got it," Hakkai smiled, looking like a kid who had just been told he could keep that turtle he found by the lake. "Oh, that reminds me. I need to go re-charge it," he said as though it were a nuisance, but the dragon on his shoulder didn't miss the giddy smile as the man disappeared. He had just enough time to take flight before he was knocked over by the force of the man's movement.

"Kyuuu?" Hakuryuu squealed, but went unnoticed as his Master left. Honestly, what did a hungry dragon have to do to get some food around here? Hakkai hadn't even started dinner yet, and that was not like him. He was too busy showing off that strange new electronic thing to the others.

"Hey, I'm hungry!" Goku stated after a few moments of piece. Well, at least someone has some sense around here, Hakuryuu thought. As a matter of fact, Goku seemed to make the most sense out of all of them, usually. Pfft, Sidekick? Who needed that? All Goku needed was food, a regular work-out, and a nice comfy space in the back of Jeep to curl up in after it was all over…

Hakuryuu turned his gaze back towards the door Hakkai had just disappeared behind. Goku continued to whine for food, prompting the first appearance of the paper fan for the night. Hakkai wasn't coming out yet. The dragon narrowed his tiny red eyes at the poor, innocent door. He had a bad feeling about this new addition to the party…

Next chapter coming soon...


	2. Chapter 2

"Hey, where are my socks?" Sanzo demanded, standing in the doorframe and looking as intimidating as he could in polka-dot pajamas. There was a moment of silence, and Sanzo's patience was wearing as thin as always. "Get your worthless asses up! Damn," the monk growled as he sloshed his way through the mess that was Gojyo and Goku's room. Managing to make it to Goku's beside, he shook the boy awake, pointedly ignoring the rivulet of drool running down his cheek.

"Whaaa…Sanzo?" the boy blinked blearily, wondering why Sanzo was waking him up when it was usually Hakkai who got them all ready in the morning.

"Did you hear me? I want my socks. Where are they?" Goku blinked again, even more confused than before. Why was he asking him? Usually it was Hakkai who kept track of these sorts of things. He decided to voice his confusion.

"I dunno. Why don't you ask… akkai…" Goku trailed off as he burrowed into the sheets again. Sanzo waited a few seconds, but didn't get any other reply. Until Goku began mumbling incoherently; "nnng…ah…GAINT DONUGT!….uuuhmm…" and Sanzo jumped at the unexpected outburst. Dammit, the monkey was already asleep again, and _talking_ in his sleep of all things. Was there _never _any silence with this kid? Twitching in annoyance, Sanzo was about to shake the boy awake again when a new, and very grating voice piped up.

"What's with all the noise?" Gojyo grumbled as he began to wake. "Can't a guy get some shut-eye around here? Especially when said guy happens to be dead-sexy?"

"Oh…you're dead _something_…" Sanzo hissed as he approached the dirty half-breed, having no real reason to be so angry right now but wanting to inflict certain death on _someone_ because his feet were getting cold.

"Hey hey, man! Calm the hell down! You can borrow my socks if you want," Gojyo raised his hands defensively, not up to dodging bullets so early in the morning. He pointed to a pile of discolored socks that were thrown in the corner of the room. They were almost visibly reeking, and Sanzo even thought he saw a few flies.

"I'd rather not," the vein in the side of the blonde's neck began to pop out. Not a good sign. "You're useless. Where's Hakkai?"

"How the hell should I know? You're the one rooming with him," Gojyo paused for a moment as something dawned on him. "Hey, now that I think about it, stop hogging up all Hakkai!" he teased. Sanzo wasn't in the mood. 

"I can't find him," Sanzo grit his teeth as he punctuated each word.

"Ah. Well, usually he does laundry the morning before we leave town. That must be where your socks went," Gojyo said, and began fumbling around the nightstand for his smokes.

"Thanks. I was having a hard time piecing _that_ together," the man's voice dripped with sarcasm and Gojyo just rolled his eyes. "He's been missing since the middle of the night…" Sanzo finally admitted. Obviously he wasn't just doing laundry.

"Oh…" there was a long silence and Sanzo crossed his arms and glared down at Gojyo as the man scratched his head in a display of clichéd confusion. "Agh, fine. I'll go look for him!"

Gojyo sighed disappointedly as he walked into Hakkai and Sanzo's room only to find it empty. Of course. Sanzo _did_ say he didn't know where Hakkai was, and logic could only assume that the first place Sanzo would have looked would have been their own room. One really did never know with that weird-ass, though.

In the corner of the room, sat a basket of laundry, all ready to go. Hakkai had left it behind though. That was weird. Actually, now that Gojyo really thought about it, Hakkai was acting strange all around lately. His cooking was off, he was disappearing for long hours on end, and actually making Gojyo clean out his own ashtrays…it was almost as if he were getting lazy!

Well, it looked like Gojyo was actually going to have to do some detective work. Might as well stop at the kitchen and get some grub first, though.

"Hey, Hakkai! There you are," Gojyo sighed with relief as he sat down next to his friend. "You were really starting to worry us." Well, Gojyo was worried, Sanzo was more concerned for the sanctity of his pristine feet. "Sheesh, you could of told me you went down to get breakfast. So, what's good to eat this morning?"

"Huh? Oh…sorry Gojyo. We'll probably be leaving in a few hours. Hakuryuu still needs a bit of rest." Hakkai replied airily, turning his attention back towards something in his lap.

"Uh…okay," Gojyo frowned as he got an answer to a question completely different from the one he had asked. "Are you feeling okay?" Receiving no response, the redhead's worry increased. He dared a peek over the table at Hakkai's lap, and was just barely able to see that man's thumbs tapping at something determinedly. "Hakkai, what are you doing?"

"Tetris," Hakkai replied in total monotony, never taking his eyes off the screen before him.

"What's tha-" Gojyo was cut short as cool fingertips pressed against his lips. Hakkai withdrew them a second later, having managed to stun his friend into silence for the moment.

"Sssh, I'm about to beat my High Score," was the only explanation offered. Gojyo had just enough wits about him to get up, push in his chair (Hakkai, in his right mind, would have appreciated the uncharacteristic manners), and slowly back out of the room.

"Shit guys, I just saw the creepiest thing!" Gojyo exclaimed, half in fear, half in awe, as he returned to their room. "Hakkai, he was downstairs the whole time! He's like a Zombie or something…I think it's that Sidekick thing he was with. But man, I've never seen him like this. It's almost like…like…"

"Like it's sucking out his life-force?" Goku managed trough a mouthful of food. It seemed as though he'd discovered the joys of room service today. "Yeah, I saw him playing with it the other day. Looks fun, he wouldn't let me have a try though…" Goku pouted at the memory.

"Feh. Don't be an idiot Goku," Sanzo paused, "Nevermind, I shouldn't instruct you to go against your very genetic make-up" he watched as the comment went completely over the boy's head "…anyway, there's no way a phone could hurt someone." Goku was quiet, and Sanzo went back to smoking his cigarette. This allowed Gojyo a moment of reflective thought.

"OR IS THERE?" Gojyo shouted at the top of his lungs as he shot up from his seat. "I'm going back down there to…"

"No. Sit," Sanzo ordered, gun fixed on the moronic moron across from him. Honestly, of all the stupid assumptions…Hakkai was fine. Hakkai was always fine. Tomorrow they would get out of this shitty Inn, in this shitty town, and continue west. "Leave Hakkai alone. He probably just wants a break from your inane babbling." Gojyo opened his mouth to protest before a narrowly 'missed' bullet to the head cut him off. "Now. Why don't you make yourself useful and get to that Laundry?"

Gojyo grumbled, cursed and kicked imaginary rocks on the ground (which he pictured as little, miniature Sanzo heads) as he made his way back from the laundry room. At least the manual labor had kept his mind off things, like Hakkai, but he'd be damned if he was going to fold Sanzo's totally gay clothes.

"Here," he plopped the basket unceremoniously on top of the monk's bed. "All clean," Gojyo gave him a winning smile and sat down on the bed next to the laundry. "Now can we discuss the fact that we have a serious problem here?" Sanzo raised an eyebrow as he folded down his newspaper to regard the angry youkai in front of him.

"I told you those robes were dry-clean only-"

"Kiss my ass! Come on, it's been hours and Hakkai is still down there. We can't continue on your stupid quest without him, so let's think of something and get freakin' serious." Sanzo sighed at this and set his articles aside.

"Look, you're paranoid. Just forget it. Why don't you find some female to poke at and leave me the hell alone." Gojyo bit his lip and ignored the usual insults, but it was harder than it looked. Hakkai was in real trouble here! Couldn't Sanzo see that?

"Fine. You don't believe me? Why don't you go see for yourself? If there's nothing to worry about then that shouldn't be a problem, right?"

"Sir, another refill?"

"Yes," Hakkai replied quickly, lacking his usually tact and politeness. Gojyo nudged Sanzo in the side, indicating that he believed this was the be-all, end-all proof that Hakkai was not himself. The idiot priest just rolled his eyes and looked skeptical. Pfft, what did he know? Sanzo obviously didn't spend as much time watching the man as Gojyo did.

"Tsk, fine. You stubborn twat," Gojyo hissed. He didn't really want to continue watching this ghastly display but if it was proof Sanzo needed…

"Uh…yes, of course, Sir," the young waitress agreed a bit hesitantly before leaving. She returned a few moments later and placed a hot cup in front of her patron next to it's brethren of about 12 others. "Sir, perhaps you've had enough? I don't know much about nutrition, but surely that much caffeine can't be good for anyone."

"Oh! My buddy just IM-ed me!" Hakkai beamed, showing his first sign of emotion for awhile. The girl gaped at him for a moment before politely making her exit.

Out of the corner of his eye, Sanzo glanced Gojyo, clearly starting to get the picture. "How long has he been like this?"

"I dunno. Probably since he disappeared last night though, when you take into consideration all those empty coffee cups."

"I see…" Sanzo looked away. Gojyo could almost see the calculated plan forming behind those narrowed eyes, and he waited eagerly for the man's next words. Sanzo may have been a bastard, but at least he was good and maneuvering out of a sticky situation when need be. "Right. We leave tomorrow. He's a lost cause."

"What? You mean leave him behind!" Gojyo snapped. The 'feelers' on the top of his head twitched and he would have strangled the bastard right there if he weren't worried about getting blood all over his nice, freshly laundered clothes.

"That's they way it goes. I'd do the same thing you were in his shoes."

"Yeah. I know. You already did!"

"Oh. Right," Sanzo smiled, just a hint.

"Screw this, I'm going in there!" Gojyo exclaimed, storming off towards Hakkai. He should have known dragging Sanzo down here wouldn't do any good. Some damned leader he was. "Hakkai. HAKKAAAI!" Gojyo waved a hand in front of the man's face.

"Uh, Gojyo?" the brunette looked up with faint recognition in his eyes.

"Yes! You remember me right? Okay, now. I just want you to set down the Sidekick, very slowly…" as he spoke Gojyo was also slowly reaching out for the damned thing, hoping he could snatch it before Hakkai came out of his dazed stupor.

"NO! Ah…I mean…" Hakkai panted as he cradled the device to his chest. Oh god, what had come over him? He seemed to have blacked out. He had no idea how he got here.

"Listen, man. Admitting you have a problem is the first step." And Gojyo would know. Smoking, drinking, gambling and bed hopping. He practically had a black belt in vices. Not that, uh, he had a problem or anything.

"I…don't know what you're talking about. Sorry, Gojyo. Let's go? I'll make you some tea." Hakkai smiled as he got up, walking around his friend as if nothing ever happened. Pausing, he looked back once he realized Gojyo wasn't following. "You coming?" his expression was soft, as was his voice. He seemed normal though. He was Hakkai again! Gojyo smiled and shook his head.

"Yeah, sorry. Let's go."


End file.
